The label I don't want

 I haven't done this for 12 years.  My last post was in 2014... it was posts trying to catch everyone up on 3 years of life, I didn't succeed very well on that and now I find myself facing big changes again and thought it may be time to start blogging again.  Both as a way to share, but also to have an outlet for my life at this time.  

So, just to think about the name of this blog - this name originated in 2009 when I started this blog living in Macedonia.  The life I never knew I always needed.  The title came out of watching the movie Fools Rush In, and Matthew Perry's character is fumbling over expressing his feelings and love to Selma Hayek's character.  

This title - now almost puts a lump in my throat, because I sit here, not really wanting the life I have right now - yet - as I go back and read my past blogs, reminded of all God has done and brought me through, I know that even in this God has something in store that will continue to break me and make and mold me into the person He needs me to be for His purpose.  

I sit here a widow, man, that's a hard word to type - widow.  One who has lost a spouse.  I lost the one for whom I had waited and prayed for near the beginning of Dec.  Steve and I had 14 years of marriage - they were good years - great years - wonderful years --- yet hard and full of decisions and some disappointments.  They were full of medical procedures and surgeries and trips and dreams.  Those years were full of God - full of His timing and provision, but I struggle with how Dec 8 works into it all?  I know, I am a pastor, and people think I should have it all figured out, but I know that God can handle my questions, He can handle my anger and so I will question and I may yell, because I hate the word widow and I am not sure why I now have the label that I don't want.